It's officially 2017. It's been 6 whole years since I've started this journey. Looking back, I'll still remember the first day as if it was yesterday. I told her clearly that I was not interested; that I did not want to have anything to do with this. But no, she won't take no for an answer. Well look what we have here, 6 years and zero progress. Every time you would complain about how you have to work extremely hard, to mortgage the house and what not just to provide me resources, but when I tell you time and time again that I do not want to do this, it only falls on deaf ears. Why are you complaining when clearly it is shown that things aren't going to work out but you still want to bulldoze your way through things? All of this started when...
T'was the year 2011, just after graduating high school. My mom brought me to Sunway University College to look for what tertiary education I should be doing. We went to an advisor, and when the advisor asked what it was I was interested in, as clear as day do I remember, I said "I'm not interested in anything". Mom tried to get me to, I don't know, behave? Stop acting like a stuck up brat? I really don't know what she was trying to get me to do, but from my point of view, she was just trying to get me to stop making her feel ashamed in public. After that, I don't know how or what happened, but I was enrolled into Sunway's American Degree Transfer Program (ADTP)'s department of Computer Science without my willful consent. When I said willful consent, it meant that sure I did say yes, but there wasn't anything else I could say. I said no a million times and nothing was being done about it. So yeah. I was at the point where I've given up and decided to just go with the flow and cross whatever bridge where and when I come up to.
Fast forwarding to today, January 2017, I've just changed my major from Computer Science to Business. From what the advisors of both CS and Business are telling me, I'd still need about 2 to 2 and a half years to graduate. Which means that I'm going to take 8-9 years to get my Bachelor's Degree. Pretty much twice the amount of time a normal student takes. Like what the hell right? Honestly I don't even know anymore. Maybe it's because I spent all my times playing video games that I'm failing my classes. But that's my interest. That's what I like doing. I love video games. And I hate studying. Well, I don't hate "Studying". I just find it uninteresting. I don't care for it. I really don't. So is it really video games' fault that I'm failing. Or is it because of my lack of interest, for me to put effort in, or lack thereof. I really don't know anymore. Year after year I ask myself what am I doing. Is it worth it? Spending 8 to 9 years just to get a Bachelor's Degree in Business. What next? A business degree is pretty useless. Work? As what? I'd be 27 with a bare minimum wage? Doing what? I don't even know. Do my Masters? What school would take me? Is it worth it? If you think about it, had I spent the last 6 years working, instead of being unproductive, wouldn't I be in a better place by now? I'm at 90 credit hours but I'm still no where close to graduation. If only I could get that programming and that calculus class done, I...there's no if only. What's done is done. But switching to Business? Will that really guarantee that I'll be able to graduate? Right now all I'll be doing are the basics. That's what I've been doing these past 6 years. Basics. So how do I know I'll be able to graduate even after changing majors? Sigh.
Honestly, maybe I should just drop out and go home. In all actually, I should've dropped out a long time ago. I really do feel like going down this path is just a waste of everyone's time. But right now I'm so far down the path that I don't even know if I can call it quits. What am I supposed to do? I just can't tough it out and do something that I'm completely uninterested in. I don't have the resolve nor the motivation. Somebody help me. No, that's not what I'm asking. Somebody, live my life for me. That's what I'm really asking.
